Pictures in my head

running like home movies

reverberate color slide shows

the associated event memory may be vacant

but the feelings remain analogous



I see:

a bewildered old man in a web lawn chair
sitting on steaming sand
where his beach house used to be

a yellow formica table with beveled
bright chrome around the edges
i'm kicking the table from a wooden
high chair - trying to touch the Wheaties box

myself crumbling as I pull my small daughter from the back seat
of a car to carry her into a funeral home but she
changes her mind and i put her back into the car.

my 5 year old niece building a goopy sandcastle on
   foggy Crystal Beach,
                    New Year's Day  

Wayne and I swinging on the new red swing set at sunrise drive
by vibrant purple irises, a fire barrel with stars and moons
cut into the sides and the red rock gravel in the drive.

myself running down the boardwalk in Virginia Beach wearing a 
green and blue itsy bitsy bikini, to chase down the canvas
cover that had blown off of my father's metal sculptures.

the grocery list written for Thanksgiving dinner last year -
french bread, onions, celery, mushrooms, scallions, flowers,
asparagus, turkey, butter, pecans, etc....

Dave holding my hand on top of his as we turned the key in
the lock of our new home for the first time - before he gallantly
picks me up into his proud arms and carries me over the threshold.

the bottom of every trash can in the Louvre museum as my bronchial 
pneumonia hacking cough echoes through each surreal gallery
           i drag my 
sick ass through each of the hallowed halls

the ginormous neighbor girl, Cindy Lou, throwing my skinny self
 down the rock path from school because i tell her Santa is real -
she doesn't believe me

a black Studebaker with red plaid seats, covered in
thick clear plastic. My face sticks to it as i sleep
in the back seat.

airports across the US - dirty old carpet in Newark, a glass
box smoke filled room in Chicago, La Guardia's modern new view,
soft snowflakes falling outside the floor to ceiling windows at Reagan,
crying in the parking lot at Daytona Beach International,
 holding on to my Sailor son at HOU,
             broken hearts left at PIT,
 holding precious grandson Andrew at Honolulu International, Lexi
  relaxing in the vibrating lounge chair in Nashville Airport,
              and glad the jet didn't land in
the water in San Francisco.

seven of us on a six man toboggan - flying down Sunny Slopes
     all night long  
beautiful red headed Moira, arms out stretched,
              scampering down the sidewalk to me  

Friday dance nights in the living room -
           two-step and d i s c o

myself walking our cocker spaniel into the Vet office
             for the last time

each of my children as I left them in those little
wooden school chairs for the first time 

my proud grandparents sitting in the bleachers
        in the sweltering auditorium for my
high school graduation. Wish I knew then, what i know

a hermetically sealed house and melting ice-cream as my lanky
frame fits through the little second floor bathroom window
to unlock the front door

the long frigid walk up Mt Washington after abandoning the
car at the bottom due to a blustery blizzard

Nancy, Diane, Kathy and I carrying on at South Park
pool trying to get the lifeguard's attention

the fire raging on top of my first Thanksgiving
turkey and the smoke detector sirens blaring

Happy Hour at John Q's - and finding out what I
thought was a french fry was a fried smelt.

glass enclosed candle lanterns swaying and fireworks
blaring from the top deck of the beach house

firing a shotgun at the deer lease in Ridge Texas

you talking to me in the car - in The Rose parking

the mother's day card with the upside down flower stem

my aunt, my mother and grandmother all screaming
at each other in the Arbor Lane kitchen

the horse stepping backwards onto my foot at the
country house - I, also see the reprimand

the rapids cascading over and over at the Ohiopyle
cabin - the water is crystal clear - dancing and

the students, hippies and old people sharing reefer
  on a smoke filled Greyhound bus 
     cruising through to State College, PA

the last run at Seven Springs ending up at the
bottom of the slope, on my stomach with my skis
over top of my head - in front of classmates

my kids holding onto my knees as I skate them around
the north and south ice-skating rinks
sitting at the glass top table in the screened-in back
porch on a hot January night. receiving the phone call
i had dreaded my whole life...

us walking all of the beaches
words of wisdom, philosophy, god and care
      on a Christmas post as rain falls
             silently in the woods and drips
                  from the moss

you walking in my dreams

Christmas 2015 Nashville


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